Terrifying films might sound a world away from impenetrable corporate blah. But it turns out the things that go bump in the night are also the things that make some bad writing bad.
Terrible writing is hiding a dark secret
Now, you might be thinking that horror films are a completely different beast to the world of corporate writing, where the biggest threat is being sent to sleep by all that dull, dull writing.
But, like a mad scientist believing that this sample of the incredibly infectious necrovirus could be safely contained, that would be a grave mistake.
They actually have a lot in common.
To understand why, let’s have a look at some horror films, shall we?
We regret to inform you the call is originating from within your domicile
“It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead!”
That’s a time-travelling freedom fighter describing Arnie’s titular Terminator. But he could also be reeling off the finer points of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. It could be the aliens from ‘Aliens,’ the predator from ‘Predator,’ or either party from ‘Aliens vs Predator.’ You get the picture…
The point is, there’s a lot of unstoppable bogey men (or ‘bogey persons’ as they now prefer to be called) out there. And that’s because we love to vicariously enjoy the fear of other people feeling helpless.
But – like the supposedly dead villain popping out of the ground in the final scene – here’s something you probably saw coming: we don’t like to feel that helpless feeling ourselves.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this
Take another look at that quote about our favourite Austrian-accented cyborg:
“It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead!”
What else could it be describing?
How about a giant faceless corporation?
OK, maybe not the bit about you being dead (with the exception of Big Tobacco). But the rest is pretty much spot on.
Why is that?
It’s because, like an evil monster, the corporates have prioritised their own interests over ours. That’s why so often trying to wade through official company writing is anxiety inducing. Frustration grows as you understand less and less. You want answers, and all you’re getting is cliches, jargon, endless stodgy paragraphs and the passive voice.
The trick (that works a treat) is to apply a bit of “know, feel, do”
By really focusing on what’s important to the reader – what do you want them to know, how do you want them to feel, and what do you want them to do – you cut down the risk of sounding like an emotionless automaton, fixated only on your own goals.
The ‘know’ and ‘do’ bits are often the easiest. You want the reader to know that you’re holding a sale/there’s a killer on the loose. And the thing you want them to do is visit your site/lock the doors.
Often, you might not really want the reader to ‘feel’ anything at all. But the trap here is if you don’t take that part into consideration, they might end up feeling something completely unintended. Something….bad.
In space, no one can hear you ‘share your concerns’
Here are some classic everyday horror scenarios:
- You’re spending a winter looking after an empty hotel, and you’re concerned your husband’s poor work/life balance is affecting his mental health.
- You’re having relationship issues, and yet you still join your boyfriend and his friends at a midsummer festival in lovely Sweden.
- You’re not having relationship issues, so it’s time to meet your (white) girlfriend’s very progressive (white) parents for the first time. They would have voted for Obama for a third time if they could!
- You’ve recently fallen pregnant, but the neighbours are taking a really creepy interest in your baby, plus you’re named after a herb.
In each of these tales, we pick up pretty quickly that Something’s Not Quite Right. So do the characters.
But they can’t quite put their finger on it. And the worse thing about it is that no one is acknowledging the deep wrongness they’re facing.
That’s the same gaslighting effect you often get with the worst kind of corporate writing: the non-apology apology.
I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that
Not really acknowledging what the problem is, or how it might affect people. Stock phrases that keep getting copied and pasted. And absolutely zero sense of responsibility.
Corporate apologies are notoriously bad – much better to be honest about what’s gone wrong and what you’ll do about it.
So less:
“Safety protocols around live/dead subjects were not implemented properly. CorpseCorp regrets any inconvenience caused inadvertently, and lessons will be learned.”
And more:
“We’re sorry our zombies got out again. We know they’re a real pain to deal with. To make sure it doesn’t happen again, we’re giving all our guards headshot training.”
It’s never fun being in a zombie apocalypse. Don’t make it worse with your writing!
Congrats on surviving to the end
It’s always a bad sign when your writing sounds like it could have been churned out by a robot (and in the coming age of AI, it might have been).
For writing that makes your audiences say “I’ll be back,” get in touch.
Written by Chris Lawes, Senior Writer at Definition.